February 25, 2010

Sebastian Bach is Fat

Remember when Sebastian Bach seemed intimidating and dangerous? A loose-cannon front-man leading the dark side of hair metal (if there was such a thing)? No? Well, maybe I was a sensitive kid.

Allow me to remind you; This video is a case study for how to make a 1987 metal video. Notice the barren junk yard surroundings (Dr. Feelgood, anyone?), the sporadic smoke clouds, the timely toggles to film negative, and most importantly, the ominous scare-crow thingy with a monkey on it's head. It must have cost at least $100 to make, for Christ's sake!

Well, the end of the 80's led to the the grunge movement in the 90's, effectively ending Bach's career (damn you, Kurt Cobain!) and pushing him to a bizarre stint on Broadway as the Phantom of the Opera.

Add 30 pounds and some bad plastic surgery and today you're left with an overweight, obnoxious, 6'3" goofball trying desperately to revive his career on season 7 of Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club.

Let me save you some time and embarrassment, Sebastian. Don't bother, it's over! Cut your hair. 1988 isn't coming back. And as for the extra weight? If you really want to lose it, I've got two words for you: Heroine Diet.

That's right, dude. Grab that monkey, put him on your back, and wallow in some Mexican mud. Those pounds will fall right off. Just ask Layne Staley. He never let himself go like this.

Bonus humiliation (Thanks Sarah!):


  1. Uh, don't even tell me that you missed him on Gilmore Girls? Mrs. hjdub has the whole series if you want to cringe at his performance. At one point he sings "Hollaback Girl" at a Bat Mitzvah.

  2. I had not seen that. But now I have, And so shall everyone else. Thanks!

  3. Is it just me, or did he borrow those cowboy boots from every sorority chick at UNC?

  4. You want him to diet on courageous women? Spell check is not always your friend.